Lesson in Trust

He's standing before me again asking for more. I don't know of anything I have left that He would want. I've willingly given all of my hurts, my brokenness, and my junk to Him. Yet He stands before me and asks for more. I cant help but wonder what else He thinks I have to give. 

Before I even realize whats happening He reaches into my heart and gently pulls out the deeply rooted, most precious parts of who I am. In His hand lies every hope, every dream, and every promise ever made. I suddenly feel very bare.  a resistance begins to rise within me, why would He take those things? Those are MY hopes, MY dreams! He gave those promises, He's not allowed to take them back. They belong to me, He can't have them. Looking at His hands I realize that I don't know who I am without these things. I find my identity in those dreams. I don't even know who I am without them.

My eyes meet His as I try to remain composed. Compassion, tenderness, and love is all that can been seen in His gaze. Very slowly I hear,

"Do you trust me?"

Instantly a seed of hurt springs up. Of course I trust Him. I've given Him everything else. Why can't I just keep this part of me? I don't want to surrender these things. My spirit begins to remind me of the times where He took my ashes and made something of beauty. What would He make out of something already lovely? Something within me begins to wonder if He wants more for me than I dare imagine. 

Again I hear Him ask ,

"Do you trust me?"

Yes. I do. I trust Him. Completely. I trust Him with the deepest parts of me. 

With a smile He turns to leave. I begin to wonder where He's going, when He turns around and gestures for me to follow. I'm not sure where He's going or what He's up to this time. all that I know for sure is that it's going be quite an adventure. 

A Journey of a Lifetime...

It's August... that means it's time to celebrate. One year ago, God rescued me out of a bad relationship and took me on the most incredible journey. I feel like passing this year mark is going to be one of those "landmark" moments on my life. Last night a dear friend and I began to talk about all that has gone on this past year, so much has happened that I felt the need to commemorate it by sharing my story.

Last August when God told me to walk away from the relationship I was in, I had no idea what things were going to look like. The journey that awaited me was so far away from what I had ever imagined. As I drove away from a boy who I thought I loved I couldn't help but laugh, For the first time in months I knew that I had heard the Lord and I had listened. The simpleness of that act might not seem like a big deal but after ignoring the voice of God for over 7 months finally responding with obedience was the best thing I could of ever done. When I got back to my mom's house and told her what had just happened she couldn't understand why I was so happy. I couldn't explain the reasons why I felt the way I did, all I knew is that I had made the right choice.

Two weeks later, I met with Janelle Coleman. I needed someone who would be accountability for me and someone who would walk with me as I healed. When I walked into the Coleman house that morning I had no idea that a door was about to be opened. Janelle began to tell me that her family was about to move and needed a housemate. Not 12 hours later it was decided, I was moving in. The first morning in my new house I woke up to the sound of 4 year old Josiah laughing, it was in that moment that I knew I had made the right decision.

Once I moved that's really when this big adventure began.

It was November, and for the past few months I had learned to listen to the voice of the Lord again. He began speaking more clearly and much more frequently. I knew that to get healing, my life had to change. My habits had to change, and my lifestyle had to change. I began reading "Set-Apart Femininity" by Leslie Ludy, This book wrecked my world. The way she spoke of her standards and the way she lived her life made me long for more than what I had. I knew the Lord was asking me to live a set-apart life. That meant many changes. I took the TV out of my room, and began to change the types of movies, TV shows, and music that I listened to. I began to seek out the Lord with everything within me. He was doing a change in my heart. He was taking me to a place that required everything of me.

Over the next few months the Lord began bringing people into my life who would pour into me and stretch me in ways that I have never experienced before. God began speaking destiny into my life. He gave me a new identity  He gave me vision. He gave me hope.

The Lord has met me in ways that I can hardly explain. He has transformed me, molded me and shaped me into a new creation. The woman I have become is very different from the girl I was a year ago. This year I have taken my faith and made it my own. My standards have gone from normal standards of someone my age, and become much higher. All this can be summed up by saying I'm thankful. I am so incredibly thankful for the love of the Father. I am so grateful for the grace and mercy that has been bestowed upon me. It is beyond my comprehension that God would choose me. I am blessed.

This year has been the most incredible ride and it's not over yet. It's just getting started. I better buckle up. 

Changing winds.

Change is coming. 
I can feel it in my bones. 
Seasons are shifting. 
I am ready. 

For months now the Lord has been doing a deep inward work in my heart, the 
results of which are starting to be seen. 
Yet I still feel His invitation to come closer. To go deeper. I have no idea 
what this is going to look like, but I must admit that's one of my favorite 
parts. As someone who wants to know all the details, the unknown is always makes 
me a bit apprehensive. The only exception is when He knows all the details, then 
I am free to let go and simply be. 

To rest in His presence. 
To soak in His words. 
To be content in His timing. 
Where He is involved, I can let go and let Him have control. 

I feel as if I've stood in this spot so many times in the past year, and yet 
again I choose to say "Come Lord. I'm ready." Bring on the changing winds!

The Wedding of Lifetime.

This weekend, I was blessed to be a part of the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended. James and Breanne Walter have been two of my best friends for some time. I have watched their relationship grow, blossom, and flourish for the past 5 1/2 years, they have set a standard for all who know them. If you sit with them for 5 minutes you will see a few things, how much they love each other, the honor they have for one another, and the high respect for the other. I am amazed by them and their relationship.

I knew that the ceremony was going to be special, but I also knew that I would cry like a baby. 
As I walked down the isle I looked at James, and the look on his face was that of a little boy on Christmas morning, who knows that he is about to get the best present of all time. He had this giddy smile on his face, and it seemed to me that he could hardly contain his joy. The music changed and we all saw the Breanne appear at the top of the staircase. I turned and looked at James, he was crying and of course, this turned me into a ball of tears. As the father of the bride walked his daughter down the isle she was glowing. She had eyes only for her beloved. He was her focus. In that moment he was the only thing that mattered.
The ceremony was beautiful, and the rest of the day went off without a hitch, and I have never seen the two of them happier or more in love.
This morning during worship at church I got a picture of another wedding, one that has been planned for eternity and is still to come. The bible says that we as Christians are the bride of Christ. Jesus is the groom and we are His bride. His desire is for us, and He has done everything to win our hearts. He pursues us, romances us, and draws us closer to Himself. 
I saw a woman in a wedding dress, and Jesus was at the alter. When she made her entrance, He began to cry out of pure joy, realizing that the reward of the sacrifice He made was finally before Him. Likewise, she was beside herself... she only had eyes for her beloved. He was her safe place, she couldn't wait to be beside Him.

As the groom said His vows, the smile on His face grew. The bride glanced down at her dress and realized that some of it was blood stained, as she saw this they both began to laugh. The beauty of the blood is that it made her dress even more white. 

It made her radiant. 

The blood made her pure.

As she said her vows, the bride couldn't help the tears that began to stream down her face. She knew for the first time that she was free. 

She realized her destiny. 

She saw her beauty. 

She gained a new identity.

This is what happens when we say yes to Jesus. This is what happens when we give our lives completely. We are purified, given unspeakable joy, we realize our identity, and we become free. Jesus is waiting at the alter, the question is will we leave Him waiting, or will we give ourselves over to something so much better than we could imagine? 

Justice vs. Mercy

I have a feeling I may get some not so great feedback for this post, but I feel that this needs to be said.

As we all know Osama Bin Laden was killed this week. I understand how people are happy that this man has been brought to justice, and many of the families are now feeling that their loved ones are finally avenged. I for one am glad that when I listen to talk radio and hear that mans name I will no longer feel a twinge of fear somewhere deep down inside.

Last night as I was listening to President Obama speak about the mission and how our amazing troops executed their assignment with expert precision and tact; I began to feel thankful, happy even that this evil man is dead. I mean why would I not feel this way? This horrible man who is responsible for thousands of deaths has finally got what he had coming to him. As I watched the news this feeling of happiness increased and was solidified. Then, as I was looking at my Facebook friends updates, a heaviness began to come over my heart. The things that many people began to say really troubled me. One post in particular- made by someone the I highly admire, someone I look up to, and someone who's opinion really matters to me- said  something like,"Hell's real and bin laden will burn for eternity."

That stopped me in my tracks. Really? I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Could we as Christians really be so cold about someone, anyone going to hell?  (This unfortunately was not the only post of it's type.) It was about that time that the Lord began to convict my heart about my attitude towards this man being killed. 

While I know God is a God of justice, He is also a God of mercy. In the word it talks of God not wanting anyone to go to hell. I believe that God's heart is burdened over the life and death of Osama Bin Laden. I wonder if more Christians had been praying for Osama Bin Laden if his outcome would of been different. I don't doubt that he would of been killed, but maybe he wouldn't have to suffer eternal damnation. Some would say he got what he deserved, but does God not see all sin the same? Sin is sin, and (from my 

understanding) there is no differentiation in the eyes of God.

Years ago, I heard a sermon from my childhood pastor, Dane Aaker. I don't remember a thing from the sermon except for one phrase, 

"We should never get used to the sound of footsteps on the way to hell." 

 These words have stayed in my heart for many years, but I don't think I fully understood them until last night. How could I of been happy that this man was in hell? I now have a new drive to pray for people that many feel deserve to go to hell for the things they have done.

Jesus came to save the sinners.

Jesus came as a doctor to heal those who needed a touch from God.

Jesus hung out with the sinners. 

I desire to be Christ-like in every area, not just the areas I feel comfortable doing so. I guess that means being counter cultural.

I implore you to look inside your own heart and see what God is saying to you about this topic. I wouldn't be surprised if He's saying the same thing.  

Grace grater than my weeknesses

Sin and despair like the sea waves cold

Threaten the soul with infinite loss; 

Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold

Points to the refuge, the Mighty Cross.

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide.

What can avail to wash it away?

Look! there is flowing a crimson tide.

Whiter that snow you may be today.

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,

freely bestowed on all who believe;

You that are longing to see His face-

Will you this moment His grace receive? 

Grace, grace, God's grace,

Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;

Grace, grace, infinite grace,

Grace that is greater than all our sin.

-"Marvelous Grace of our loving Lord"

The grace of God never fails to blow me away.  We are so undeserving of what He bestows on us. He sees us in our messes, and yet He loves us. He sees us in all of our stuff and He still wants our hearts. He knows that our when we finally surrender to Him we come messy, and insecure... Even in the midst of that He still calls us. 

My God blows me away. 

I don't understand why He loves me, but I am sure glad that He does. I don't understand what He sees in me that He would want my heart, but I give it  freely. I will never be able to comprehend why He's called me... but I would follow Him anywhere. 

I say all of this to say how thankful I am for the Grace of God. 

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness!

This One's for Dad...

I usually share in my blogs about things that the Lord is revealing to me, but tonight I want to do something a little different with this post. April 26 would of been my dads 52 birthday, so in honor of that I want to use this blog to remember him. 

Growing up, I was a daddy's girl. I was always under feet, always pestering, always vying for his attention. We always had so much fun together doing even the most mundane things. He would take me to work with him on many a Saturday. My dad worked for Portasan which is a company that rent out porta-potties. My dad drove the tanker... enough said. Even though the surroundings were smelly and gross, getting to ride in the big truck, having him sing songs with me, and tell me stories more than made up for it. I can readily admit that most of the biblical knowledge I have today did not come from bible college, or the Honor Academy, or my own study, but from those work days.

I was his little helper. I loved working along side him in the garage. Thanks to dear old dad, I know how to use all kinds of tools, so well that I can build things fairly well on my own. I can also thank my pops for my good sense of direction. I can get to where I need to go or find my way pretty well on my own. 

Dad was silly. He always had corny jokes, a big smile and a great laugh. He would on occasion do Bill Cosby's "Jello" voice and I adored him for it. I thought he was the funniest man alive. I do believe my knack for all things ridiculous came from him.

Dad had a love for Dr. Pepper, and he had his cup to prove it. I'm not talking your run of the mill 12oz cup... this thing was a massive, monster of a cup it probably held something like 120oz.  This cup went everywhere with him, work, church, family dinners, you name it. If dad was there so was his cup. He even named it, his first cup was Pete. Pete was with us for a while, but with as much as dad used it, Pete eventually went to big-cup-heaven. So of course dad had to get a new cup... his new cups name? Repeat. (get it?) After a while Repeat went to be with Pete and Jesus, so naturally dad got a new cup... He called it Three-Pete. Maybe I get my urge to name every inanimate object from my dad. 

When Beauty and the Beast came out on VHS, I was ecstatic... I must of seen that movie 8 or 10 times in the theaters previously, but even that didn't squelch my joy. I will never forget the day that daddy and I got it from the store. He was off, and it was just the two of us for the day. I remember dancing in front of the Mickey Mouse Club on t.v. while dad was in the kitchen cooking my favorite food as a  3-year-old, hot dogs of course. As we ate I snuggled up next to my daddy and just enjoyed the movie I love most.

As a teenager, my interest's changed and so did my conversations with dad. He would ask me questions on the things I was going through and challenge my thinking on many of my conclusions. During these deep conversations, He at some point would stop and say "Becca, I don't have much time left to teach you all the things I want to." At the time I took that to mean that I was growing up, so he wanted to impart as much wisdom as he could before I was too old to listen. But since he's been gone there are sometimes I wonder if he didn't have some idea that his life would not be a long one. I wonder if when he looked at me when I was 15 and thought, I only have a few years left to tell her everything I have to share. I will never know if he had that type of an inking or not, but what I do know is that the things he taught me in those moments will be with me forever. 

Whenever he would drop me off somewhere it was always the same. A hug, a kiss, a three words..."Make me proud." That phrase is often in my mind as I walk through my day to day life or as I make major decisions, I think... "am I making Him proud?" Some times I know with certainty that he would applaud my choices, and other times I'm not sure what his stance would be. Those are the moments when I wish he was still here most. 

I'll end this post with my last, and most cherished memory of my daddy. The day he went into the hospital I went into his room when I knew no one would be there. The moment I walked in he started telling me to leave because he didn't want me to see him like that. I turned to leave. As I was almost out the door I hear him say, "Becca, pray for me." I told him that I would and I continued to leave. He stopped me again and said "Becca, pray for me," Again, I told him that I was. Then he said "Becca, come over here and pray for me." I walked back over to his bedside , held his hand, and asked Jesus to heal him. I asked God to comfort him. I prayed for strength, for hope, and for faith. Then  through tears, I kissed his cheek. I told him I loved him. Then I left. That was the last time I ever spoke to my daddy. I feel like that was a very fitting way for us to say goodbye. I think we both knew the end, but neither of us wanted to say anything. 

I am so thankful to God for the earthly father that I was given. I have definitely been blessed. Although my dad was not here for long, he had more impact on my life than anyone I can think of.

So, heres to dad...

Happy Birthday Daddy. Have fun celebrating with Jesus! I can't wait to see you again and celebrate together! That will be a joyous day.